Hello everyone! Karlie here (obviously) posting my weekly Monday update where I talk about my past week, post my vlog that captured it all, and ramble about any thoughts I had since the prior Monday we all met 😉
This past week was stressful! I have these big goals for 2017, and trying to implement them last week was daunting, I was going to prepare for the new year between Christmas and January 1 but in between those dates everything in my life kind of hit the fan.
My family was struggling with my niece being in the hospital, and my grandpa was also admitted into the hospital. Truly I thank The Lord that they are both okay and now home. My niece Ava ended up being in the hospital for 11 days fighting off two serious infections and my grandpa almost lost his life at family dinner resulting in THE most scariest moment of my life. I am not going to go into further detail of the events out of respect and privacy for my family, but I do want to share my thoughts and emotions since that weary week.
I enjoy sharing my thoughts and life online because it connects me to others that may be going through something similar. So todays topic isn’t very joyful but it’s real, authentic, and will at some point in life connect us all together.
I have never lost someone close to me in my adult life. Let me rephrase, I have never lost someone close to me in my adult life from passing away. Without explaining my entire family history I will some it up to this, my great grandparents and my two aunts that I all loved very much passed away when I was young, all while being in elementary school. I remember them passing, being sad, but I know now that I was too young to truly feel it.
After spending a week in the hospital with my niece, and almost losing my grandpa I have been pondering this looming passing that will eventually happen to us all. For the past two weeks I have been trying to process it, understand it, and be ready. But if I am being honest with you, I haven’t succeeded. While laying in bed last night it was about 1:30 am, unable to sleep, I start to think about someday the inevitable would happen and I would need to go on and continue living my life without my parents, or my siblings, or my husband. I felt emotionally paralyzed. I couldn’t hold back my tears as I ran to our closet and started to weep. I didn’t want to wake Jacob because honestly, I didn’t think anything he would have said would have helped. I just needed a good cry. I needed to sit there on the cold floor, surrounded by falling shirts and shoes, and just cry. I prayed, I cried, and I begged God for peace and understanding.
For those who do not know me well, or have just stumbled upon my blog, I am a Christian woman, full of flaws and needing Christ every single day. My faith and relationship with Jesus has pulled me out of the darkest of times and has pushed me to continue to be strong and heal from my wounds. I have understanding and faith in Heaven, and where we go after our time on Earth. But I think for the first time in my adult life, the thought of the every looming death has finally hit me, and hit me hard.
As I blew my nose into a pair of Jacob’s clean boxers on the floor, and whipped my puffy eyes, I asked God one more time. Please let me understand where I lack the knowledge or maturity and give me the peace for the parts I will not want to accept.
After a very scary week I am thankful to come out on the other side with all my family members still with me, and the opportunity to start to explore my thoughts and prepare my heart for whenever the time comes for anyone I love to pass on.
For those who are currently grieving or who have lost a loved one, if you would like to share in the comment section how you coped through the pain, how you came out on the other side, and how you continue to move and grow forward, I would love to know. Education is power, and learning how to deal with extreme emotions, good or bad, is so so important.
The only advice I can give in this weeks blog post would be this:
You have heard it time and time again, “love those around you….every day is a blessing…live life to the fullest”…and many more. But wow! I always understood what people meant when they said those things but now I feel it. In that moment, when I didn’t know if God was going to take my grandpa or let him stay with us I felt it all. The anger, the fear, the sadness, the “I should of done this” “I should of said that”, the true regret. When I would walk into the Phoenix Children’s hospital that entire week and half and I would see these children suffering and their entire family in pain, my heart ached for them, and I had a sense of anger that I could not do anything to help their pain.
We are truly blessed with every single day given to us. At any moment your life can be turned upside down, a loved one can pass, you could lose your job, your house could catch on fire, and the very morbid list can go on and on forever. So in a world where there is so much uncertainty and evil, choose everyday to live it like it’s your last. Spend more time with your family, hug those you love longer, appreciate your journey in life, be kind to others, do what you love more, and most importantly BE HAPPY AND LOVE OTHERS. We are given one life, and this start of 2018 has really opened my eyes to what truly matters in life and the way I want to start to live it.
If you got this far, thank you. I am an avid thinker and processor and I truly value deep authentic conversation with others. If you want to talk further on anything I wrote today please comment below. The world is a big place, but with the power of positive internet we can all connect to help each other to live our best lives.
Until next week!