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Living Everyday Like It’s Your Last

Hello everyone! Karlie here (obviously) posting my weekly Monday update where I talk about my past week, post my vlog that captured it all, and ramble about any thoughts I had since the prior Monday we all met 😉

This past week was stressful! I have these big goals for 2017, and trying to implement them last week was daunting, I was going to prepare for the new year between Christmas and January 1 but in between those dates everything in my life kind of hit the fan.

My family was struggling with my niece being in the hospital, and my grandpa was also admitted into the hospital. Truly I thank The Lord that they are both okay and now home. My niece Ava ended up being in the hospital for 11 days fighting off two serious infections and my grandpa almost lost his life at family dinner resulting in THE most scariest moment of my life. I am not going to go into further detail of the events out of respect and privacy for my family, but I do want to share my thoughts and emotions since that weary week.

I enjoy sharing my thoughts and life online because it connects me to others that may be going through something similar. So todays topic isn’t very joyful but it’s real, authentic, and will at some point in life connect us all together.

I have never lost someone close to me in my adult life. Let me rephrase, I have never lost someone close to me in my adult life from passing away. Without explaining my entire family history I will some it up to this, my great grandparents and my two aunts that I all loved very much passed away when I was young, all while being in elementary school. I remember them passing, being sad, but I know now that I was too young to truly feel it.

After spending a week in the hospital with my niece, and almost losing my grandpa I have been pondering this looming passing that will eventually happen to us all. For the past two weeks I have been trying to process it, understand it, and be ready. But if I am being honest with you, I haven’t succeeded. While laying in bed last night it was about 1:30 am, unable to sleep, I start to think about someday the inevitable would happen and I would need to go on and continue living my life without my parents, or my siblings, or my husband. I felt emotionally paralyzed. I couldn’t hold back my tears as I ran to our closet and started to weep. I didn’t want to wake Jacob because honestly, I didn’t think anything he would have said would have helped. I just needed a good cry. I needed to sit there on the cold floor, surrounded by falling shirts and shoes, and just cry. I prayed, I cried, and I begged God for peace and understanding.

For those who do not know me well, or have just stumbled upon my blog, I am a Christian woman, full of flaws and needing Christ every single day. My faith and relationship with Jesus has pulled me out of the darkest of times and has pushed me to continue to be strong and heal from my wounds. I have understanding and faith in Heaven, and where we go after our time on Earth. But I think for the first time in my adult life, the thought of the every looming death has finally hit me, and hit me hard.

As I blew my nose into a pair of Jacob’s clean boxers on the floor, and whipped my puffy eyes, I asked God one more time. Please let me understand where I lack the knowledge or maturity and give me the peace for the parts I will not want to accept.

After a very scary week I am thankful to come out on the other side with all my family members still with me, and the opportunity to start to explore my thoughts and prepare my heart for whenever the time comes for anyone I love to pass on.

For those who are currently grieving or who have lost a loved one, if you would like to share in the comment section how you coped through the pain, how you came out on the other side, and how you continue to move and grow forward, I would love to know. Education is power, and learning how to deal with extreme emotions, good or bad, is so so important.

The only advice I can give in this weeks blog post would be this:

You have heard it time and time again, “love those around you….every day is a blessing…live life to the fullest”…and many more. But wow! I always understood what people meant when they said those things but now I feel it. In that moment, when I didn’t know if God was going to take my grandpa or let him stay with us I felt it all. The anger, the fear, the sadness, the “I should of done this” “I should of said that”, the true regret. When I would walk into the Phoenix Children’s hospital that entire week and half and I would see these children suffering and their entire family in pain, my heart ached for them, and I had a sense of anger that I could not do anything to help their pain.

We are truly blessed with every single day given to us. At any moment your life can be turned upside down, a loved one can pass, you could lose your job, your house could catch on fire, and the very morbid list can go on and on forever. So in a world where there is so much uncertainty and evil, choose everyday to live it like it’s your last. Spend more time with your family, hug those you love longer, appreciate your journey in life, be kind to others, do what you love more, and most importantly BE HAPPY AND LOVE OTHERS. We are given one life, and this start of 2018 has really opened my eyes to what truly matters in life and the way I want to start to live it.

If you got this far, thank you. I am an avid thinker and processor and I truly value deep authentic conversation with others. If you want to talk further on anything I wrote today please comment below. The world is a big place, but with the power of positive internet we can all connect to help each other to live our best lives.

Until next week!

xoxo,

Karlie Colleen

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6 Comments

  • Reply Brooke

    I absolutely love and admire how authentic and raw you are in this post. I truly connect with people on the internet when feelings are shared whether it’s happy, sad, or tough feelings. When my Monna (grandma) passed away a little over a year ago it shook my world. I was incredibly close to her and she was the first person I’ve ever lost in my adult life. I sat by her side in hospice for 10 days and I was there as her breathing became inconsistent and The Lord came near to bring her home. I too am a Christian woman, mother of two, mid twenties and I firmly believe in God and heaven but sometimes my faith is weaker than others. When she passed I was so mad when the sun rose the next day! How could the world go on?! I had to get married without her there. It was devastating. But if there’s one things I’ve learned about myself it’s this… I am a human and therefore I am selfish. I know she’s in better place full of so much love and happiness and that is how I handle death. Knowing that people I love will pass is okay with me because I know they’re going somewhere so much better and will be waiting for me. I just have to remind myself that I miss them because I’m human and selfish but that they’re still with me and in my heart, always.

    January 10, 2018 at 2:41 am
    • Reply KarlieColleen

      Ah Brooke! You made me cry again, ugh haha. I am so with you on that one! I am def selfish when it comes to my loved ones. I want them here, with me, happy and healthy, forever. And obviously that can’t happen. So I to have this struggle inside me of knowing they will be in a better place but longing for them to still be with me. Thank you so much for your response, I will be praying for your continual healing as I am sure you still miss your grandma everyday. Thank you!!

      January 10, 2018 at 3:55 pm
  • Reply Dakota Scott

    Hi Karlie, not sure this is helpful but I felt drawn to comment on this. I just joined the blogging community I love that it provides opportunities to connect with others on similar topics. Sorry for the novel 😅

    I am 23 and up until this past May, I had never lost anybody due to passing away in my adult life either. Growing up with a single mom I have only ever known her side of the family and my grandparents were like a set of parents to me. My grandpa was and is my father figure. A few years ago he was diagnosed with Dementia and Parkinson’s, and while this may sound bad, he was declining quickly and we all expected him to pass before my Grandma. Out of the blue we got a call that my grandma had passed away and my world changed in an instant. I had just talked to her, she sounded fine, she had just been at a family event the night before. I will not lie, I felt pain and heartbreak that I didn’t know existed. My heart physically hurt. The entire ride to the airport and flight across the country and still to this day 8 months later the phrase I find myself saying is, “it doesn’t feel real.” I wish I could pick up the phone and talk to her. I still have a voicemail she left me that I have not listened to.

    My heart broke even more for my Grandpa who was completely dependent on her for care.

    Every once in a while the amount that I miss her overtakes me and I break down in tears. I’m even tearing up as write this because I know what you’re feeling. But I am still also able to laugh and smile and have fun with friends, which is something I wasn’t sure how people did after losing a loved one. The holidays were a challenge in their own this year. How do you celebrate when you know someone else should be there with you?

    Shortly after she passed my mom signed me up for emails regarding grief called Grief Share Daily. I get an email a day to help and guide me through the grieving process one of the first emails I received was discussing how we all associate death as an event that is an exception in the sense that it that happens every once in while and we feel sad and then go back to normal. When in reality death is a normal event that occurs all throughout our lives and unfortunately we can’t do anything to prevent it.

    I will say after my grandma’s sudden passing I more mentally prepared for when my Grandpa passes. I know how I will feel and I’m slightly more aware of how I will react. I know my heart will again be shattered and I will cry so hard I shake. But I also know that I will once again laugh and smile and have fun with friends.

    I will say that I have learned grief is not the same for everyone and the grieving process doesn’t happen overnight. It’s been 8 months and so much has changed and I still miss her like it was yesterday. I know this response was long and I’m not sure if it qualifies as advice, but I know it’s nice to know that there’s someone around your age who feels the same 💕

    January 10, 2018 at 8:55 am
    • Reply KarlieColleen

      Hi Dakota! Thank you so much for your response. It truly means so much to me. I am so sorry to hear about your grandma and the pain you have been in the last 8 months. It sucks, you want your heart to heal, but it also can’t cause the person who would help heal it is gone. I feel hopeful that there is a light at the end of grieving. Some of the happiest people I know have lost a lot. Maybe they are so happy cause they realllllly know what it is like to be in a valley. I am def looking into those emails, they sound so helpful!

      I will be praying for your healing, and your grandpa’s health. Thank you so much for being open and writing to me <3

      January 10, 2018 at 3:50 pm
  • Reply Sarah

    This past May my fiancé’s father past away after only 30 hours in the hospital. It was so sudden and the only time I’ve ever watched someone pass away. It was one of the hardest things to watch someone you love hurt and not know how to comfort them. Even with knowing God’s plan of heaven it is still hard to cope with the fact that he won’t be their at our wedding or for his future grandkids. At this point faith is all we have. And we do find comfort knowing that we will see him again ; he will be healthy and happy and without pain. He is in a place where all sins are forgiven, where all things are perfect and whole. I think that’s the most comforting thing of all.

    January 10, 2018 at 4:45 pm
    • Reply KarlieColleen

      Hi Sarah!

      I’m so sorry for both of your loss. I totally agree, having faith is the best way to cope. Even though death is such a hard things to go through I think it can also bring people closer to God, or get to know him for the first time! <3

      January 18, 2018 at 4:42 pm

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